


***

by nirvanasrejects



Category: whatever you want - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Hearing Voices, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 20:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4976236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nirvanasrejects/pseuds/nirvanasrejects
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i had reached the middle of the bridge. when i turned to face the side of the huge bridge, the river looked truly impressive. the huge dark waves reaching in every direction for something they were missing. it would seem frantic if it weren’t so beautiful. if i didn’t know that tomorrow morning when the storm ended, the water would settle back into submission- content with how things were. peaceful. how it should be. i knew that i would never be so complacent. i would never be satisfied with the calm. i couldn’t be. not anymore. too much had changed to ever go back to normal. i couldn’t make myself pretend to be the same anymore. to be happy.</p>
<p>** trigger warning **</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the end.

it was dark outside, exactly how i wanted it. no longer because it was the middle of the night- it was late enough, well i guess early enough, that the sun had begun to rise, - but because it was storming. violently. appropriately. like my mind. as i stepped onto the bridge, it became even easier to feel the wind whipping my wet, unruly curls around my face; i hadn’t bothered getting a haircut in months. i should have felt cold, but instead i felt nothing. and everything. i felt everything. i kept walking across the bridge but became aware that i was slowly growing more and more nervous as i neared my destination. i pushed these thoughts to the side; i would do this. i had to. the more determined that i could, in fact, follow through with my plan that i became, the faster i began walking. i needed to do this- wanted it, even.

i had reached the middle of the bridge. when i turned to face the side of the huge bridge, the river looked truly impressive. the huge dark waves reaching in every direction for something they were missing. it would seem frantic if it weren’t so beautiful. if i didn’t know that tomorrow morning when the storm ended, the water would settle back into submission- content with how things were. peaceful. how it should be. i knew that i would never be so complacent. i would never be satisfied with the calm. i couldn’t be. not anymore. too much had changed to ever go back to normal. i couldn’t make myself pretend to be the same anymore. to be happy.

with my resolution in mind i began to walk towards the railing of the bridge. incapable of taking my eyes off the river so much like me, yet so different. as i climb over the railing on the side of the bridge and looked over the edge, and while watching the angry waves crashing together as they reached upwards in their search, i thought for a moment that maybe this truly was what was meant to happen. that i was meant to end the river’s search for completion. that, for once, i was wanted. needed.

at that thought i let out a laugh, immediately lost into the storm. this is was a cold laugh. hollow. unfeeling. lifeless. because i knew it was a lie. no one had ever wanted me. and certainly this river did not want me. there was no way my chaotic, disconnected mind could bring peace to these waters. no way i could be the object of their search.

it was around this time that i began to hear the voice. _go ahead. do it. you’re so close now. you can never go back to how it used to be. do. it. you have to._ but i continued standing on the side of the bridge. staring out at the water and watching the way the wind caused the branches on the trees to thrash violently. i focused on the way that same wind moved around my body. over my skin. through my hair. moving my clothes against my body. focused on feeling the wind on my skin. hearing in in my ears. and i almost lost the voice into the wind, but it came back to my ears. stronger. angry now. **_you can’t do ANYTHING right. why haven’t you moved. just do it. JUMP. this is what you want, right? why are you still standing here. you have to do this. you don’t have a choice. you have to jump._**

a second voice joined it. this one sweeter. more understanding. _i know this is what you want. you know it too. you know that this is what you want. what you have wanted for years. and you’ve finally built up the courage to do it. i know you can do it. i believe in you._

and another voice. louder than the first. angrier than the first. **_you disgust me. you absolutely disgust me. this is what YOU want and you don’t even have the guts to do it. you’re pathetic._** more and more voices reach my ears all encouraging me in different ways. urging me to my end. and they’re right- the end that i want. i don’t have the slightest idea why i’m still standing on the edge of this bridge desperately holding onto the railing, as if i was afraid to fall. i want this to end. i inhale deeply and look up the ominous and sinister sky and scream.

then something strange happens. over my scream and over all the voices telling me to give in, there comes another voice. louder. and this voice sounds frantic. almost terrified. **_HEY! DON’T DO IT. STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. DON’T MOVE. DON’T JUMP. YOU WOULD REGRET IT IF YOU COULD. DON’T DO IT. DON’T JUMP. DON’T MOVE. STAY THERE._** and i can’t take it. it’s too much. i scream again.

“SHUT UP. I CAN’T TAKE IT.”

but the voice doesn’t shut up. instead it seems to get closer. **_STOP. DON’T DO IT. IT CAN GET BETTER. I PROMISE. I PROMISE IT CAN GET BETTER DON’T JUMP. PLEASE TURN AROUND AND COME BACK OVER THE RAILING._** confused, i turned around- and was astonished to see the silhouette of another boy running towards me as fast as he could. the utter shock of an actual person being the source of this voice cause me to slip, and instead of taking that opportunity to follow through with my plan, i continued clinging onto the railing as the boy began running even faster. he was getting close now. _too close_. my voices reminded me. _you have to do it now there isn’t much time._ but i was frozen. i hadn’t anticipated being caught. i hadn’t anticipated anyone trying to stop me. and by the time i figured out that i still wanted to jump, it was too late.

i felt a hand grab onto my arm, and noticed for the first time how badly i was shaking. when i tried to pull my arm away, the stranger wrapped both of his arms around my body. he was much stronger than i was. i could have never struggled enough to get away from him. as he began to pull my shuddering body over the railing, i was overwhelmed with the realization that i had failed. i would now have to at least survive until the next morning. this stranger thought he was saving me, but he was condemning me to another day in my own personal hell.

my name is parker booth. and I am not depressed. I have schizoaffective disorder.


	2. the beginning (of the end).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and the waves come.

_< earlier that morning  >_

 

my alarm clock begins its incessant beeping, just as it does six mornings out of every week, and as desperately as i want to close my eyes and go back to sleep, i quietly stand up and start getting ready. as hard as it is to wake up before the sun rises, i like being up before the rest of the world. feeling like the only person awake for miles and miles. i didn’t want to wake up my friend that i lived with. he had lived with me most of the time since i dropped out of high school and ran away.

school was too hard. even when i was taking medication, trying to filter out the voices in my head, in order to hear the teacher, was next to impossible, and thoroughly exhausting if nothing else. i could never answer questions because it took me too long to decipher what the teacher had actually asked me, and as i sat there struggling, they took it as struggling to come up with an answer and assumed i didn’t know. the other kids all thought i was dumb. it was hard to focus when taking tests and doing my homework, so after a while i just stopped trying. it didn’t take me long to realize that my not trying in school was only causing my mom more stress that she really didn’t need. so a few months before i would have not graduated and been forced to repeat my senior year without the one friend i still had and more reasons to be bullied, i left. i was 18.

at first it wasn’t that bad. i had been planning to leave, so i had a job already and some money of my own. i started renting the apartment i lived in now, and after graduation my friend moved into the apartment with me. no one else looked for me, or if they did they never found me. but nothing could go well for me for too long. a few months after my friend alex moved in, i ran out of my medication. and i couldn’t afford to get more. i was lost. alex didn’t know that i was schizophrenic, and i couldn’t tell him. he was my only friend. he would hate me. i knew it. and the voices confirmed my fears. i couldn’t lose him. but i couldn’t hide it either. i knew i couldn’t. it took so much effort even when i had my medication. i didn’t know what to do. he was all i had in the world. he was it.

slowly i became more and more instable, and i was having a harder and harder time hiding it. alex could tell. i was terrified. i could hardly sleep. i was afraid to talk to alex. afraid to lose him. and all the time being reminded **_you are disgusting. a pathetic excuse of a human. a terrible friend. you are screwed up. you can’t do anything right. there is something wrong with you. you’re repulsive. alex probably wouldn’t want to talk to you anyway. you mean nothing to him. you mean nothing to anyone. everyone would be better off without you. he knows there is something wrong with you. he can’t wait until the day you kill yourself, so that he doesn’t have to live with someone as horrific and messed up as you._**

it was horrible. it still is horrible.

i need to get some things off of my mind. i can’t take it. i need a way to get some of the feeling out of me. it feels like there is something dark growing inside of me. i have to get it out. i don’t know how. i can’t explain what i’m feeling, but it almost hurts. i want to close my eyes and force this dark thing back through my skin out into the air. away from me. i want to reach inside my chest and pull it out. i feel heavy. weighed down. like if i tried to jump i wouldn’t be able to get off the ground. i look for some paper and a pencil. it doesn’t help much, but writing how i feel on paper is a better way of getting some of this out of my than other options.

  

> _the only thing i can compare this to is trying to swim without legs. you struggle so hard to keep your head above the water. because you can. it’s hard. but you can do it. you always have. but then the waves come. and you don’t know what to do anymore. you struggle and you struggle. but it’s too much this time. you can’t keep up. it would be so easy to give in. to give up. and you want to. you need to. you can’t fight anymore. so you stop._
> 
> _but only long enough to realize this isn’t really what you want. you take in a breath. but you’re still under water. submerged. you fight your way to air with every last bit of resolve that you can muster. the whole time fighting your own brain just as hard as you fight the waves and the water. as your head breaks the water you realize the sea has calmed. but you feel uneasy. you’re not the same. you know it will come back. the waves will come back. they always do. and each time you’re more tired than the last. each time it becomes easier and easier to give in. each time it gets harder and harder to fight back to the surface. and you know this. and you’re scared. but what can you do to stop it? how could you keep the waves from coming? you don’t know what to do._
> 
> _and there’s nothing you can do. it’s out of your control. there’s nothing you can do._
> 
> _and the waves come._

 

            i realized that i couldn’t take having no control any longer. and then i realized that there was something i could do.  i stand up and walk outside. it’s raining. i don’t have a coat. it doesn’t matter. i feel nothing. i can’t control the waves, but i can control myself. i won’t give into the waves. i’ll jump into them. literally.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, some questions..
> 
> did you read the story with parker as a girl or a boy?  
> did you think alex was real? or just one of parker's delusions?  
> was the boy who saved parker on the bridge real?  
> any other things you wondered about?
> 
> should i keep going? what would you want to happen?


End file.
